Coffee With E

Heart of Commitment- Unlocking the Secrets to a Thriving Marriage with Trishawnda & Julius Cabbagestalk

• Erica Rawls

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Ready to unlock the secrets to a thriving marriage? This episode of Keeping it Real, the Pillow Talk Edition, promises to equip you with invaluable insights from Trishawnda and Julius Cabbagestalk, a beloved couple from Central PA. They candidly share their journey and wisdom on fostering genuine compatibility and mutual growth, ensuring that every relationship is built on a foundation of friendship and shared interests. Listen as they outline the principles that have kept their marriage strong, without the unrealistic expectation of changing one another.

Have you ever wondered how couples successfully navigate the unpredictable waters of evolving relationships? Trishawnda emphasizes the essential role of clear communication and continuous self-improvement, while Julius brings humor to the discussion with his anecdotes about their unique communication styles. From understanding the impact of family role models to addressing common pitfalls that can doom a marriage, this episode offers a holistic guide to maintaining a loving and resilient partnership.

What are the unspoken triggers in relationships, and how can self-awareness transform your love life? The Cabbagestalks dive into the importance of confronting past traumas and the crucial role of therapy in maintaining relationship health. We also venture into the importance of dating with purpose and integrity, proposing a thoughtful three-year timeframe to truly understand your partner. Whether you're dating to marry or aiming to strengthen your current bond, this conversation is packed with actionable advice to help you build a lasting and fulfilling marriage.

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Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I'm saying don't make a rushed decision. Marriage is not a joke. You need to make sure that you're absolutely sure about what you're doing.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

If this were to end, god forbid and we go our separate ways. I want to be a better Trishawnda. I don't want to be a broken Trishawnda With time and wisdom, you start to behave differently. The other thing, too, is surround yourself with people who are in relationships.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You cannot turn her into a wife.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

How is that his responsibility to handle all of the baggage that I'm bringing, because the first man who was supposed to be there support me, love me and take care of me failed.

Erica Rawls:

Welcome to another episode of Keeping it Real, where we have real conversations with extraordinary people in multi-million dollar homes. Today's topic is going to be special we are rolling out our first episode of Keeping it Real, the Pillow Talk Edition, and we're going to be talking about relationships. So you stay tuned. This week's episode is going to be about the heart of commitment. A lot of times we hear people talking about hey, I'm looking to get married, I'm in the marriage dating to marry stage, or I'm looking for ways to ignite our marriage. They're just new into the game. So we're going to have a lot of questions from what I feel, a seasoned couple that everyone knows likes and loves in the central pa area. So I had to have them on our podcast today to kick off our pillow talk edition.

Erica Rawls:

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk and Julius Cabbagestalk. Are y'all ready? We ready okay. So, um, I'm just going to preface. I unlike any other episode because of my friend over here. Julius said he needed some questions. We did share some questions with him, but guess what, do you know? They didn't even read them. They didn't even read them.

Erica Rawls:

So what was the point?

Erica Rawls:

I read the questions.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, you read the questions.

Erica Rawls:

Oh, so you read it, you didn't know what the questions were and then you just answer them. So y'all be like wait a second. No, I don't agree with that. But that's okay, we're going to make this work. We're going to make it work, okay. So, um, as I stated in the intro, there's a lot of people that we're running into that are in their thirties or maybe even younger, that in the stage of dating to marry Right. So we know that we're seeing things are different from what we were actually in the dating game, and so I wanted to have a conversation. So what are some of the key qualities that you think or believe are essential for a successful marriage? We're going to start with the marriage part and we're going to go into what they should be looking for in a marriage partner as well. Okay, so what are some key essentials that are important for a successful marriage?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I would say well, for each person. I think it's going to be different For me if I'm looking for a partner at this stage in life. If I'm looking for a partner at this stage in life, you know my, my, my key to success is probably going to be different than someone in their 30s. But I think overall, no matter what age you are, you should be looking for someone that can be your friend and not just your partner, because if you and that person don't have anything in common, there's no way you and that person are going to get along. You you have to have like a television show or something in common that the the two of you can do together, that you enjoy doing together and you know having fun. You know it's about having fun. You shouldn't really have to work at loving your wife or work at loving your husband, or I can grow to love him or love her. It should be a natural thing, and if it's not natural, you find yourself forcing it.

Erica Rawls:

Then you need to hit the road. So almost like uh, don't be trying to change someone. They should be the person that you're looking to be, to complement each other from the start, like if you have to work for it go ahead.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I was just gonna say I think naturally people evolve right. So when you're talking me meeting him, I was 15, he was 17. He has evolved over the years. So I think when we think about being in a relationship, you have to say to yourself this person is going to evolve. A lot of times I think people throw in the towel saying, oh, this person has changed. It's an evolution, because they're getting older and they're kind of just moving forward.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So some of the things that he may have enjoyed or may have, how he responded when he was 18, 19, 20, is totally different from his response now. So I think we have to remember that people evolve. But when we, in my opinion, when we talk about qualities, we're talking about one, put in God first, whatever the religion is that needs to be at the top, because then from there we go into. I believe, wholeheartedly believe the friendship is key. Yeah, I always say to him God forbid we were to ever get a divorce. I am going to miss my friend Because my friendship to him means so much to me besides him just being my husband, he is my friend and I also believe communication is key.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I think a lot of times we think people know what we want when they really don't. So if you are expecting flowers once a week, you need to say I'm looking for flowers once a week. You can't just assume that your partner is automatically going to know that's what you want.

Erica Rawls:

So I couldn't help. But Julie, as you laugh, when she said about communication is key. You can't expect them to think what people want Like why did that make you chuckle?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I laugh because one of the things that she doesn't do it as much anymore, but I told her she had. She has these conversations that take place with me, but I wasn't present. She provided my answers, she provided my thoughts, she provided my emotions. She filled in all the blanks for me, emotions. She filled in all the blanks for me, and because I wasn't there to know what my part was in this, she gets upset and I'm like so basically, in a nutshell, you had a conversation with me that I wasn't present for, you, filled in all of my answers for me, and now I'm not quite filling in the answers correctly on my scantron here now, and the machine is going haywire.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You're, you're, you're getting upset, so that that's something she used to. She used to do a lot. She doesn't. She doesn't do it anymore and and and, as she said, with time and wisdom, you, you start to behave differently. Before I would be like you know, this is not now. I just laugh about it, yeah, cause I just find it hilarious Like, okay, she, she, she had another story with me without me. Right, you know, it's, it's, it's okay. You know, let me go call Frazier. You know, talk to the therapist. You know cause we got to get her some help on this.

Erica Rawls:

So that's so huge, because a lot of people in this day and age, when you hear that that ends a marriage because of lack of communication or not wanting to work at improving on your communication or not working to fill in those gaps of expectation, like I like to see because there's one thing you're expecting, another thing you know your spouse is expecting, and then there's reality, right. So filling that gap is huge and communication is key. So to hear you say that a lot of people don't make it past, you know, five years because of communication, or they like oh, they're not hearing me, kind of thing, right? So like, how did that actually impact? Like, was that in the beginning stages? Like, how did that impact that impact your marriage? Like, did you find yourself? Like you know what? Forget it, I want to throw in the towel and just like I'm over, I'm done so statistically.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

People just throw in the towel. It's easy to walk away, it's easy to say I give up. It's easy to say that's so easy, and I think we a lot of people, do my family that I could look to and say they've had a successful marriage. My thing was I'm going to do the best that I can to make this work so that if God forbid, I have to say I'm leaving. I know I gave it all I had. I know I tried. I didn't just throw the towel in. I worked on it, I committed to it. So for me it was really about making those changes necessary to grow and be better, not only for him but for me, Because if this were to end, God forbid, and we go our separate ways, I want to be a better Trishanda. I don't want to be a broken Trishanda, Right? I?

Erica Rawls:

want to be a better Trishanda. I don't want to be a broken Trishanda, right? So with that, do you think it's important to figure out who you are first, before marriage, when you say that you want to be, you know you don't want to be the broken Trishanda.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

And then, julius, you can chime in too, like when you were dating, like how important was it for you to figure out who you were first before you decide, ok, yeah, I want to make a full lifetime commitment with them? For me it was. I don't think I really ever had a point in life where I said I need to figure out who I am. I think for me I've just been genuinely the person that I am, that I am Now. I think over time I've evolved because of exposure to certain people, certain atmospheres, environments and so forth. That just helped shape me as a person.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

One of the craziest things was for me with a marriage and making a marriage work was I have an aunt and uncle who I spent a lot of time at their house as a kid and very close to them, and they would fuss all the time.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

And my mindset was well, if my aunt and uncle fussed all the time and they've been together for like 50 years, then hey, it's okay.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

But there's a difference between fussing about why did you eat my chips you know I wanted those chips and fussing about really like you trying to hurt the other person. The other person is trying to hurt you. Like there's different levels of fussing, you know, like her and the kids, they'll get mad at me and be like you drunk up all the juice. You drink up all the juice in this house and I stop and I look and I'm like these people act like I ain't got a job, like I don't contribute to this juice, right, like, and the two people who complained the most about this juice didn't even put in on the juice. You know. It's like so you know, and then you, those are the petty ones, but then it's a difference with arguing because you think your wife is creeping around with somebody. You know, and one of the things that I I heard one time, um, that I I still carry with me and I actually used it the other day was actually it was your grandfather, erica.

Erica Rawls:

Okay.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

He said if a man try to hit on my wife, I don't get upset. I say to myself he got good taste, you know. He said no need to get upset.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

This is a basketball laugh, it's a real laugh. This comes with maturity. Now, we went to go pick up my youngest daughter from school. Uh-huh, I knew where we were going, but she felt like we, she, we didn't know where we were going. Okay, so she needed to go ask one of the maintenance workers that was riding around on his lawnmower or something. And, uh, she went and asked him and then he trying to hit on her.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Oh, I kept, I kept walking because I found this hilarious. I kept I kept walking because, you know, I thought that's like your grandfather said, hey, he got good taste, you know. And I'm saying to myself if you're fool enough to go with him, then feel free. You know. But you know, I, I just I found it hilarious. So I started messing with her the entire day, telling her you know what's wrong, you ain't want to go with extra, extra big love. So I was messing. But those are things where maybe the 18 year old like me would have gotten upset, would have handled it different, whereas the the mature person of me now says, kind of, find it comical. You know, you laugh about it. Now you're texting people, joking about it because it's like you, you're going to get upset every time somebody finds your spouse attractive. You know, if nobody else found your spouse attractive, you may want to question why you're with your spouse that that's fair, that I get that.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I get that like man did I really pick that bad of a dad, right, but but it goes back to exposure that I heard a older gentleman preaching and one day he mentioned it and it made me think about it and it stuck with me, so that helped me. When I was faced with that situation. I handle it different because I looked at it from a more mature perspective confidence.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, you have confidence in yourself and knowing that, yep, she does look good. I'm glad you looked at her and I know she's staying. That's it.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You know, and she named me for the ride home. She needs me for the ride home.

Erica Rawls:

It's crazy, Absolutely. So how did you know that you found the right one? Um?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

couple of things. Couple of things were important for me. One she knew how to cook. What Well you know what?

Erica Rawls:

I retract that statement. I'm sorry For those of you that it's important for your significant other to cook. I apologize because that is a criteria for some people, so I do apologize for that. If you can't cook, we're not getting married.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Okay, there is no way this marriage is working and you can burn so she can cook. So I was like, okay, was that was a plus for her? Yeah, you know she, she had decent grades, not as good as they they could have been no, you did not.

Erica Rawls:

Now you're being messy. Now you're messy she had good grades.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

Who helped you write your paper?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

okay, she had good grades and overall she presented herself as a decent person.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You know and there's I won't say it, but there's different types of females in life. You got to determine what kind of female you want.

Erica Rawls:

See, now I'm curious. I'm sure people that are watching are curious. What are the different types of females?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Well, you got your, your good, wholesome female.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

You can take her to church okay you know, you can, you know, take her around grandma really scared on where this is going, really nervous on where you're going you can take it with your grandma and them, you know, outside.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You show them to the family, show them to the family. Okay, then you have your turn up female who just always want to have a good time. But you know she ain't gonna be nothing in life. Yeah, because all she want to do is have a good time. She, she want to go hang out at the bar, she want to go to the cookout, she want to go to the pool party, she want to take some trips, but you're never quite hearing her talk about studying or going to work. And then there's your freak Okay.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

And my uncle told me, you're on a certain level of it, but not 100%, because that's going to be problematic.

Erica Rawls:

I mean, this is the pillow talk version, so you know the kids are going to walk in.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I'm just saying I'm not making this up. He has passed away, but this is what my Uncle James told me. He said if she's a freak in the streets, you cannot turn her into a wife. He didn't use those exact words. He used the one beginning with an H, but he said you cannot turn her into a wife. He didn't use those exact words. He used the one beginning with an h, yeah, but he said you cannot turn her into a wife okay, so time out.

Erica Rawls:

Trish, I wanted to give you, um, a question then, just to piggyback on that. So, hearing what he just said, right, I'm curious to know do you think that I think people, what is your belief in that? So, because, because as women, we see it different, right? So when we're looking for a spouse, like what is it that you're looking for?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

And then I would like to hear, like trap music, I like going to concerts, so I need someone that's going to be able to go to those types of functions with me and have a good time. I need someone that will go with me to church. I need someone who's going to be a really good family man. So that was extremely important to me. Ensuring that I had someone that, god forbid it didn't work out that he would still take care of his children, and that was the one thing that I admired so much about him is because he was a family man, or he is a family man, and I knew in my heart God forbid this situation not work. I know my girls are still good because I know that he's going to take care of them whether we're together or not. So that was a huge part of it too.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

And then someone who was a business oriented. So for me, I had to look at myself and say where do I lack? I know that I'm not the best person with managing finances, so I need someone who's strong in that area, because I feel like your partner should be someone that is going to enhance you and help you grow. So that's the one thing I appreciate about him, because right before we got married, he said look, your finances are a mess. Let's be completely honest. Let's sit down, let's see how we can get this on track. He didn't dog me, he didn't downplay me, he didn't use his knowledge of finances as a control mechanism. He used them to help me be better. So that's what I say about coming out If you have to come out of the relationship, come out better, don't come out broken, and I think a lot of that has to do with with your partner. So those were some things that I was looking for, um, and choosing someone to be with forever. Then, in terms of what he said, I wholeheartedly agree.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I think he's right and I think there needs to be a little melt of the three right I think there has to be a melt of all three, depending on what you're looking for, Because some people are only looking for the wholesome girl, Some people are only looking for the turn up girl, Some people are only looking for the freak. So it depends on what you're looking for. But know what you're getting right. You know you can't say I'm going gonna marry the turn up girl and then once you get married she wants to turn up all the time and you don't have meals cooked and she's not there for the kids. You knew what you were getting right when you got there. So I think those, those are just some key elements so what?

Erica Rawls:

what about, um, when it comes to having the heated discussions, like, you found your mate, you get married, right, and then now you're in this. We talked about actually having great communication, or how the lack of communication could affect the marriage and how to work through that. So then, when it comes to those, the heated discussions, right, let's talk about. You said finances, right, Finances seems to always trigger an argument. It doesn't matter how much money you make, right? So, when it comes to those sensitive conversations, how do you work through those without like losing, like blowing a gasket?

Erica Rawls:

Because I think a lot of times I'm seeing with the younger generations, they'll be having and this is why I'm asking the question they'll have conversations, they're blowing a gasket and you know to the point where they have to leave because they just can't take it anymore and they don't understand that it's only because there's something that you two don't agree on, right, and you found a difference of opinion. You have to work through that. So and I know in our marriage we experienced that as well so how did you work through that? Because I'm all about, yeah, dating to marry, right, and you're going to have maybe blow those gasket moments. So you think that, well, they're not the one and they possibly could be the one. So how do you I'm asking multiple questions in here, yeah, so how do you figure that out, like, how do you work through that? Okay, maybe this person is the one. And then also, when you're in the marriage, okay, what did I get myself into? How to overcome this. Am I staying or am I leaving? Right?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I think they mesh right, Because if I'm, if we're in one, I think the key thing about disagreements and arguments is knowing yourself. So for the longest time, if we would have a disagreement, my mouth would just be reckless right now. This is stuff that I unfortunately learned in being in the environment that I'm in in New York. When you're ready to argue, you're arguing, you're going for the jugular and it's just you're going to say whatever it is to win the argument, and I had to realize that's not a healthy way.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

Yeah, you're arguing to hurt Correct, and that's not healthy at all. Because then, once the argument is over, the disagreement is over and we're past it, those words that I said that were hurtful, they're going to stick. Yeah, they're going to stay. So I've learned to one walk away if I feel like I'm at that level. I'll say to him listen, I'm willing to discuss this particular thing, but not in this moment. Give me a little bit of time to calm down and then we can revisit it, because now I'm able to remove myself from the situation where I'm not going for the jugular, I'm able to think through what I actually want to communicate, and then I can come back and communicate that effectively. Right, why is this making me angry? Correct, and that's the other piece of it. Why is this thing pushing me and making me so angry? And this goes back to knowing who you are. If it's something that's trauma causing for me or something that ignites something from my past, that's not his fault. That's not his fault. We need to put a pin in it.

Erica Rawls:

Ok, right there, right, right, there, right, because did y'all hear what she just said? If there's something that happened in her past that triggered her, it's not her partner's fault, correct, it's her fault, mm-hmm Right.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So I have to learn how to deal with that. So I'll give you a prime example. My dad and my mom separated when I was about three, so I was raised by a single mother, and then my mom was in a marriage and my stepdad was there for a while and then he left yeah, and then she married again.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So unfortunately, I'm in this cycle of watching men leave, just go right. So in the back of my mind, unbeknownst to me, I didn't believe that men stuck around. When I looked at my cousins, I looked at friends in my circle, no one really had a dad that stuck it through. So I started the relationship on a very bad footing because my mind always told me he's going to leave. So I consistently prepared myself for him to leave.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So there were arguments which, when he was saying about me having those conversations in my head that I didn't have with him, I never communicated to him. Hey, I feel like maybe you might leave. This is why I do X, y or Z. I never had that conversation with him and because I didn't, it caused all of these unnecessary arguments until I had to stop and say why am I always getting upset about these particular things? It's because I think he's going to leave. So I had to have a conversation with him. Hey, sometimes I feel like you just going to pack up, I'm going to come home and you're not going to be here. So how do we resolve that? His mindset and the conversation that we had was regardless, I'm here for the kids. Like we have kids, we're always going to have a relationship because we have children.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So then I had to start unpacking that and going to therapy to unpack all of that stuff that I was holding on to that was not his fault. So I was arguing with him about things that were not his fault at all. So then in going to therapy I had to come back and apologize Like hey, I'm sorry that these types of things were constantly coming up, but here's why. And then he can better understand understand it. So I think it's a lot of knowing yourself and again being willing to work through it. He could have very easily said she consistently thinks I'm leaving or she's always arguing with me about this particular thing. I'm out of here. I'm not sticking around for this because you can make something happen, correct?

Erica Rawls:

if you keep saying well, you're going to leave me anyways, you're going to leave me anyways, you're going to leave me anyways, guess what he leaves.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

He's going to leave, right, and I think honestly I was self-sabotaging without even realizing that I was self-sabotaging. And then I start thinking about it how many women are actually doing that? We never. I know for real in the black community, we very rarely teach our daughters how to be wives Very rarely. We, for real in the black community, we very rarely teach our daughters how to be wives very rarely. We don't teach them how to be wise. We tell them to be an independent black woman. We've heard that a thousand times.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

So it says I don't need anybody, I can do this all on my own. Yes, I have my own job. Yes, I have my own finances, but I love my husband and I have to pour into him as much as he's pouring into me. I'm not in a place where I want to be alone. Right, it's very rarely you come across somebody that actually wants to be alone, but it's been so embedded that we don't need, we don't need. I do need him, I do. He's better in finances. My children need him, my daughters need their father. There's so many needs there that I had to learn how to take that independent woman mindset and bring it down a couple notches so that he also feels appreciated, because if I can do it all on my own, how does he feel every day? Yeah, like he's not needed or wanted in the marriage, and that's important to you's not needed or wanted in the marriage, and that's important to you to feel needed or wanted.

Erica Rawls:

Julius, do you think?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

uh, you you want to feel. You want to feel appreciated. Okay, um, you know, because I think naturally your family needs you, but it's like you. You want to feel appreciated, like what you're doing is not just taken and and and nobody appreciates it. Nobody wants to to, you know, be bending over backwards to provide for their family but at the end of the day, everybody appears as if they don't appreciate the sacrifices you're making as the head of household.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Because, like I told her one time, I said, if we was to get evicted from our home, people wouldn't say they got evicted from their home. That man, let them get evicted from their home. In the end it falls on my back. So, you know, part of her bad finances is like you need to get this under control. You know, we talked about what you know because ultimately, like, if you don't, we're going to have to take some extreme actions here. Yeah, because ultimately your bad judgment falls back on me, you know.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

So those are the things, just as a man, because when I was raised in, the mindset of a man is that you take care of your family by any means possible. You need to take care of your family and provide for them. Your family should not want for basic necessities. Now there's a difference. If your kid wants the newest Ed Jordans that comes out every week and you're saying no, but your kid should not want for dinner tonight. He should not be. He, your son and your daughter and your wife, and we should not be wondering where dinner is going to come from.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You know so and and that's how I was just raised as a man, from my dad, it's like you always take care of your family, no matter what. That is your first responsibility as a man and you know so. When she's, you know talking that foolishness, you know it's like what is wrong with you? Yeah, what is wrong, you know. And then you know when you think about leaving, you know you go go to your barber and your barber is like boy, it's cheaper to keep her. What's wrong with you?

Erica Rawls:

Not when you're thinking about leaving her. Oh my gosh.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

But no, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not worth it. And you know it's like it ain't, it ain't, it ain't worth it. You know. You know, and that's that's what I tell people all the time, like, come on, man, is it, is it really worth it? You know, but that goes back to you got to know what you're getting in the beginning. Right, you can't buy Nikes and expect them to be as comfortable as New Balance. New Balance is made for running. They're made for walking. Why do you think you see more old people in New Balance than Nike? They treat your feet, right. You gotta know. You gotta know what you're getting. That's what it comes down to. What I got then and what I have now are two different people, and you know what she got from me then is not the same person she got from me now. Whereas before, something that I might have entertained in a back and forth bickering discussion is now something like I'm going downstairs and watch TV, I catch you, I catch you later.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

It ain't worth it, Because one thing I've learned now that I've gotten older and mature it takes two people to argue it definitely does and if one of them are not willing to be a participant and you continue on by yourself, you're going to look crazy and people are going to start to call you crazy and they're going to put you in a jacket and drive you over there to PPI.

Erica Rawls:

That jacket is so extreme.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You know, so you may want to stop. Ppi is even crazier Because you're on your own.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

This podcast may not even make it.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

You're on your own. You've yelled out so many brands You're on your own by yourself. So I'm not participating in this one, sis, you take care. I I'm not participating in this one, sis, you take care. I'm going to go get me a sandwich and watch Stevie.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, okay. So then you married a strong woman, right, and Trish had shared with us that. You know, being a strong woman, you have to take yourself, not take yourself down a peg, because I think you still are your true, authentic self right. And yet you and correct me if I'm- wrong.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

You feel that it's important that we are. We are OK with being vulnerable with people that we love, correct, and if you can't, then that's not your person, right, right, if you can't, that's not your person, ok, like I can. He Julius is. He's a good ying to my yang because he's not a very emotional dude, so I am extremely emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat, yeah, so if something is bothering me and I call him and I'm crying, he's learned over the years how to say OK, like, what are you crying about? Let's figure it out, let's talk through it. What do you need?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

yeah you know. And then the other thing is, because he's such an awesome provider, he's a fixer. So we had to have the conversation about sometimes, when I call you and I'm upset, I don't need you to fix it, right. So now we have a conversation when our call is like am I fixing this or am I listening? I love that. Yeah, I have a fixer too. Yeah, so now that helps him know what I need be like girl. Yeah, that's crazy. Why is she acting like that? You know, now he knows I just need the support, right. Um, if I need the fix, then he's like hey, you should do this, this or this type of thing again. That came from evolving, because initially I'm just like I need you to react this way when I'm, when I'm sad or when.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I'm going through something, I don't always need you to jump in and fix it, so we had to have those. We had to have those conversations. But being strong with support, I think that's what it's really about being strong with support.

Erica Rawls:

And I think strength comes in to play knowing when to be vulnerable Right, that's strength. Right Is allowing yourself to be vulnerable, right.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

But if we, if we keep the strength, if we keep the walls all built up all the time, no one can penetrate, that's a sign of weakness to me, right, right. And for some people it's a trauma response. That's fair of weakness to me, right, right.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

And for some people it's a trauma response. That's fair too. For some people it's just a trauma response, and then it consistently yes, and then it consistently affects the relationship overall yeah. So when you're dating to marry, you have to say to yourself how can I have a conversation with me first before I have a conversation with him? Because it's not all about him, some of it is me.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, yeah. So OK, this episode is about dating to marry. I keep going back to that because I see a lot of young men in the way that they're treating women. That doesn't sit well with me, meaning okay, they say that they really like them or they feel as though they're always going to be there and they may take advantage of that, and they're not, and the women they're not committing to the women. So, to that point, I feel as though some conversations need to be had with the men, especially when you're, you know, in your late 20s, going into your 30s. They need to understand that most women that age are dating to marry, and I think we have a responsibility as men right to understand if you don't see yourself with that person just to go your separate ways. So I want to ask from a male's perspective and then also from the female's perspective say why would you stay in that relationship? Like, what's keeping you there? Maybe give them some words of wisdom as to why they would stay in that relationship and why they may reconsider.

Erica Rawls:

I would love to hear from the male's perspective, when it comes to being in those relationships, like what are you doing? Like, do you agree that they should be staying in those relationships, knowing that you know this is not who they want to marry? And at what stage should they start be thinking of you know, okay, I'm dating to marry as well. Or do men never date to marry? I don't know, I don't even know what the question is.

Erica Rawls:

It's just, I see these young men out here and they're dating, or they say they're not dating, or they may be dating several women at the same time, and each of those women think that that's the only person that they're dating. You follow me and I. It's to the point where, if you're of a certain age like when do you stop playing those games and start taking it serious or letting that person go? You know what I mean having the courage to let them go because it's like at that point you're taking advantage of the person I don't know. So, from a male's perspective, I would want to know what is the magic bullet to get these young men to understand, stop wasting these women's time and commit.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I don't think there's a magic bullet or a magic age when you need to stop dating to marriage, look for marriage and so forth, but you got to one thing is.

Erica Rawls:

So if you're 30 years old Julius and years old julius and you're just dating, you're just dating, just dating. No like isn't there. At that point you're like you should be dating to marriage.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

at that point you should be looking for somebody to settle down with.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

But then you got to ask yourself what do the person want in life?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I would think most people want a family, some kids and so forth, and at that point you should be looking for somebody that can help you accomplish some things in life and y'all start to build together. But what you got to realize is on TV, on the world, on the Internet, they don't glorify that. They glorify guys sleeping with this chick, this chick sleeping with this guy so she can get this pocketbook and drive this car. It's all glorified on just messing around and no family. So in their minds, why do I need that, where, unfortunately, we're starting to live in a society now where there's less and less role models to show people that certain things are possible, yeah, if you don't see any men who are married with their wives living a good life, having fun, you never really say to yourself I want that like possible, like when we were, when we were younger, we had people, people we can say, oh, such and such. You know they've been married for this long and you see them and you do that, but they don't.

Erica Rawls:

they don't have that, but I would think by the age of like 24, 25, you should be looking for somebody to start building a future with, because we're talking to the people that truly do want to marry at some point, because there's some people that just don't want to be married and that's OK, and that's not. We're not saying everyone wants to get to a certain age, you should get married. I do want to clarify that. But for those that are dating a woman and they know they're dating to marry, I think it's that the selfish.

Erica Rawls:

The dating. They know that because you know us women won't let you know that, hey, I'm feeling you, I would love to spend the rest of my life with you. Sometimes we say it too soon. We act. You know what I mean. We act. We just, yeah, we just show our hand too soon sometimes. But if you're the man and you know that one, I don't want to get married, right, or I'm not ready to get married now. You know that woman is dating to marry. I think the male has a responsibility this is just me as a responsibility to say hey, I'm not there yet, so we have a decision to make.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

No, I fully agree. I figure, if you're around 25 or so, at that point you want to start taking the female for long test drives long test drives, so we're cars now you have two women here on this couch and you want to say test drives.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

He's just making himself look so like a male chauvinist, and that's not what he is at all.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

He's not a male chauvinist thing, but what I'm saying is I don't believe in meeting a female in January and marrying her in March. I don't believe that Because you need to get to know your partner.

Erica Rawls:

So in the next episode you're going to have me and Jesse over here talking about. We dated in January, got engaged in April and got married the next January, and you know and there's success stories like that.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

But there's very few Like I'm, a person that believes like I'm gonna marry you, me and you need to be together for a few years so I can really make sure that you you are who you are now.

Erica Rawls:

I'm saying why a few years, though? That's crazy to me. Am I wrong? Like you're gonna date someone for a few years? Yeah, too well, I don't she's thinking.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

she's saying like in your 30s, so you're already kind of far along. I feel like at that point you should kind of know who you are. College cool, we're going to date for four years.

Erica Rawls:

Right, that makes sense. I was thinking about marriage.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

If I'm in my 30s and I meet a female, me and this female are going to date for at least three years.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I think that's fair.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

We're going to date for at least three years. We got to get a poll on this. In those three years, I need to understand something. I need to understand your relationship with your family, your relationship with your daddy and your mama. I need to know what your credit score is.

Erica Rawls:

That takes three years. I got to analyze you.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

That's a click of a button. No, no, no, because that's how you end up in divorce court. I need 36 months. We're going to do a lease here with the option to buy. We're going to do 36 months A lease with the option to buy is actually crazy.

Erica Rawls:

Who am I married to? I'm a podcast he I'm, I'm.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

I'm checking exactly, I'm checking you out and and at the end of those three years now in that process, I'll I'll give you a ring and say, okay, this is basically. I'm saying that right now we we good, at the end of this three years, this is what we're going to do. So I'm'm gonna make a commitment to you. But I meet so many couples. They get married and and they say things like she don't even cook and clean. Well, bro, I you, you've been together with her, for you should have known that she don't cook and clean. And she if your apartment was dirty every time you went over there when y'all was dating, what makes you think your house gonna be clean when y'all married? Yeah, that that's not gonna happen. So it's just like I need some time to just sniff out all the potential problems and for us to address it.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Because it goes back to you can't make somebody who they're not right. If it's not in them, it's not in them. And sometimes you don't get to to see that true person in the first year, so you know you don't get to see that true person in the first year, so you know you don't get to see them in the second year, third year. By now, y'all probably spending more time at each other's house, sleeping over at each other's house, really getting to understand who this person is, and maybe there are some things that you don't care for. With the person it's going to be the same, but are y'all mature enough to talk to them and work through them and start to build you you? The other thing that you need to do is is this person heading in the same path that you heading in? I've seen people who get married. Then they say the other person don't want to have kids, like why didn't y'all have that?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

conversation before. That's fair right, like those tough conversations. What?

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

kind of career path is she looking for, versus what you're looking for? Right, is she looking for a high earner or is she just happy with somebody who has a civil service job and OK with that, you know? So those are the kind of things that I just think it takes some time to to work through. Yeah, understand the person. I'm not saying saying, you know, if you sure about this person, your gut is telling you you good with them and you want to marry them in a year. It's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. You know, go ahead if you sure that this is the person. But I'm saying don't make a rush decision.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Marriage is not a joke. You need to make sure that you're absolutely sure about what you're doing but at the same time, don't go around and play with females emotions. If you know she's looking for a husband and she really wants to settle down, don't go around and get fake, false dreams. That's not fair to her, that's not. Yeah, you know, let's, let's. Let's be honest and say hey, you know, I really do like you. I really do want to have a future with you. I just want to take things a little bit slower. Make sure that we are right for each other, get things in line. Maybe he needs some time to save up for the money to get the ring. You know she, she may be looking for that, that three carat ring, you know.

Erica Rawls:

Here's a whole other topic.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Right, but but those are the things you you need to, to, to, to determine before you marry or ask somebody to marry you, because you don't want a female who's expecting, a guy who can buy her Gucci bags every other month and you know he only make $35,000 a year. That's a marriage in disaster.

Erica Rawls:

That's a huge expectation gap.

Julius Cabbagetstalk:

Exactly, you got to make sure that y'all are on the right, the same path in life, cause cause right now y'all just doing surface stuff going out to eat, going to the movies, watching TV together. Like you got to have some deeper level conversations. You got to go deep sea diving to really understand what you're getting here. You know, and, like I said, sometimes that take a little longer, but you know, if you know that she ain't the one, then see you later.

Erica Rawls:

So what words of advice would you give the young women that are now at the point where they're dating to marry?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

I think at the point, I think even before you get to the point where you're dating to marry, know who you are, know your triggers, know your traumas and how those traumas show up in your relationships. Because even when we think about trauma showing up in relationships, it's not just your relationship with a significant others, it's in your family.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

It's in your friendships. So you've seen it. Whether you want to sit down and actually dissect, it is something totally different. But it's not fair to enter into any relationship broken and not sure who you are, because to me that's headed. That's headed for disaster, unless both of you are okay with doing the work and then I think it could be successful. But I do agree with Julia's be honest, when you meet these gentlemen I'm dating to marry and most of the time men are either gonna stay or flee. It's gonna be one or the other. So the people that stay give it a chance. We all have boundaries and you know what you're willing to tolerate. So you have to be okay. These are my boundaries, this is what I'm willing to tolerate. But then you have to have a hard conversation with yourself. Is it unrealistic, like the every other month gucci bag type?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

thing, Are there unrealistic expectations that you have put into place? And if there are, you may find yourself hopping from person to person to person before you can have the hard conversation with yourself like, yeah, this is unrealistic, I have to scratch it. I see a lot of young women they have like this laundry list.

Erica Rawls:

Yes Of he.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

Of quality, correct, and then if one thing is off, they're done. Oh no, absolutely not. I want somebody six, two and he's six foot.

Erica Rawls:

Really.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

Those two inches going to break it. That's real shallow, right, right. So again, that to me goes back to that consistently being able to have that revolving door. The other thing, too, is surround yourself with people who are in relationships and in marriages that you can go to and you can have some conversation. I think that's so important. If I have a lot of married friends and I made sure some of them are older than me and some of them are younger than me, so that I'm able to go and say, hey, your children are grown, how did you handle this, this and this within the marriage and I'm able to get some feedback. I'm not saying everything that they say is the gospel, but at least I have someone I can go to and have some insight. They have life experiences.

Erica Rawls:

Right.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

Yeah, right, so I appreciate that too. So when you are talking about date and to marry, think about the relationships in your family, the women in your family that have had relationships that have lasted long times and they've been healthy, successful, because sometimes people are married for a significant amount of time and it's still not a healthy marriage, right? So you have to make sure you have those people in your corner so that you can call them and you can have some conversations, so you have someone to go to and talk to.

Erica Rawls:

I think that's important too yeah, and I think we're living in an environment where social media it it actually is up here. Yeah, as far as okay, this is how you should find a man and that's how they get the 153 qualities, and if they don't fit right of those, then you should walk away red flag walk away right?

Erica Rawls:

well, how about looking at the heart, right? How about looking at what are their, their values correct, right? How about looking at okay? So how do they treat their mother right? That was one thing my mom always said to me hey, erica, you need to see how they're treating their mom correct, because if they're not treating their mom right, you best believe they're not going to treat you right absolutely, because a mother and a son, you can't break that bond.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

No, I was like okay, I remember that yes, I think that is so, so key and that and and I think the same thing goes to with a young woman and her father. Yeah, you know, and I know I'm probably going to get a lot of backlash on this, but when you don't have a father in your life, that does bring about a level of trauma. Yeah, that does bring about some things that need to be discussed and need to be looked at within yourself, because that stuff will carry over into the relationship. Your father is supposed to be the very first man that you, you love and you fall in love with, and if he's not there to do that, and he's not there to provide that, then what? Yeah, you had, there's something there that's torn. Yeah, right, we have uncles who come in and fill the gaps, and but it's still not the dad right and how is that his responsibility to handle all of the baggage that I'm bringing?

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

because the first man who was supposed to be there support me, love me and take care of me failed right.

Erica Rawls:

And he's not your dad, your partner in life that you choose. He's not your dad.

Trishawnda Cabbagestalk:

He's not, he's not.

Erica Rawls:

Yeah, wow, yeah this was good y'all. This is a great segment of keeping a real pillow talk edition. Thank you for having us. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. If you like this episode, please let us know. I'm curious to know what your thoughts are about this laundry list of items that women tend to have when it comes to picking a spouse. Is it unnecessary? I mean, there's some value to it. I don't know. What do you look at? Do you look at core values or are you looking at their appearance? Are you more concerned about their appearance and what they look like or what they can add value to you? So thank you for watching another episode and a special thank you to the Cobo Banker Real Estate Company and Audrey Wettling allowing us to shoot at this beautiful property at 13 Blue Marlin Way. We really appreciate you and if you're interested to see what it looks like, property tour coming soon. Until next time, I'll see ya.

People on this episode

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Erica Rawls

Host
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Julius Cabbagestalk

Guest
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Trishawnda Cabbagetalk

Guest